He

Last night I had a great time. I was kidding with Alex, Ms. Clark, and Lindsey. Lindsey kept asking us the questions on her homework. She asked where John well Booth’s died. To which I replied things like in the arms of his mother, who was his lover, and also his wife. They would crack up. It’s not just what I say but how I say it. The next night however things weren’t so well. The next night is tonight. The next night is right now. The night started ok with Ms. Clark having to go take some kids somewhere. So we got stuck with this other lady who’s name I don’t even know. She is obese, African American, with black hair in a hairstyle I don’t how to describe. Anyways Alex was talking about how her mom calls her by her full name (Alexis) which she detests. I mentioned how I don’t like my full name because it conflicts with my identity. The woman overheard this. She asked me what I meant. I told to her to wait a minuet because I was making tea. So then awkwardly walked  towards her with my hot oatmeal on my stomach while Simultaneously carrying my hot tea.  I put them down on the table. I told her That I was transgender. I told her that in my head I’m male but physically I’m “trapped” in a female body. I even told her that my friend’s call me he. She doesn’t understand this. She kept telling me that She would never call me that. She kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how I feel on the inside I’m still a “girl”. You don’t know how much that hurt. It was like hearing someone say No matter how you feel on the inside your still be physically dammed. It’s like hearing someone say your identity doesn’t mean anything. I was so offended by her I left, went to my room, and began typing in journal. Halfway through my typing however my friend Anna and associate Alex came in. They said she wanted to see me. I asked what and got talked down to for not “addressing her properly” she told me I should say yes as I liked her. She came and reiterated her ignorant ideas about how I’m technically a girl and that she’ll never be able to call me he. She had the nerve ask for an alternative to he or she. I told her she might as well call me she despite my hatred and uncomfortableness with the term because I could never get her to understand. I would never be able to make her get it. My voice quaked and as I walked away. As  I cried silent tears. A little later Ana came in asking me why I wasn’t outside at the main table where I usually for study hall. I told her that I was in my room because I had that right. I was very rude to her. I had tones of anger in my voice. She left and I finished typing and continued to listen to Pandora with tears rolling down my cheeks. Jan 17^th 7:08 2013

Songs that played :

Green Day good riddance

Seether Truth.

Lost in you three days grace.

To be loved : Papa Roach

Plain white T’s :Hey there Delighlah

Prayer of refuge : Rise Against