Crystal

Ok I'm having some problems with this friend i used to have whom I refer to as Crystal. We used to be best friends but she ended are relationship on trivial reasoning, and now she's acting like it all never happened. Like she can just push some big reset button. I know she's out of touch from reality but that Really?. It's like 'oh ya I know were not friends anymore but I'm still going to talk to you as if you were'. No Crystal just no. You can't do that. You can't just break my heart, be mean to me for weeks,and then act as though it never happened. I'm sorry but thats wrong.Even if I was ok with something like that i wouldn't be towards you. You've,changed.Your not the person I once,Your not the person I once knew. Your rude,mean,selfish and you what hurts the most, the most out of all of this? The fact that you replaced me. I know, I see you with him. I see how you play with him.How you do things with him that only once you and I enjoyed.I mean I have new friends but no one will ever be able to fill that void.But not for you. Oh not for you. You can make new friends and replace me like I was never anything special.You hurt me.You broke my heart Crystal. So sorry if I can't pretend like nothing ever happened. I'm sorry if I don't have some big reset button. And you know I'll never, I'll never be able to tell you any of this. I just can't.
 Friday jan 18 7:30 Pm 2013

He

Last night I had a great time. I was kidding with Alex, Ms. Clark, and Lindsey. Lindsey kept asking us the questions on her homework. She asked where John well Booth’s died. To which I replied things like in the arms of his mother, who was his lover, and also his wife. They would crack up. It’s not just what I say but how I say it. The next night however things weren’t so well. The next night is tonight. The next night is right now. The night started ok with Ms. Clark having to go take some kids somewhere. So we got stuck with this other lady who’s name I don’t even know. She is obese, African American, with black hair in a hairstyle I don’t how to describe. Anyways Alex was talking about how her mom calls her by her full name (Alexis) which she detests. I mentioned how I don’t like my full name because it conflicts with my identity. The woman overheard this. She asked me what I meant. I told to her to wait a minuet because I was making tea. So then awkwardly walked  towards her with my hot oatmeal on my stomach while Simultaneously carrying my hot tea.  I put them down on the table. I told her That I was transgender. I told her that in my head I’m male but physically I’m “trapped” in a female body. I even told her that my friend’s call me he. She doesn’t understand this. She kept telling me that She would never call me that. She kept telling me that it doesn’t matter how I feel on the inside I’m still a “girl”. You don’t know how much that hurt. It was like hearing someone say No matter how you feel on the inside your still be physically dammed. It’s like hearing someone say your identity doesn’t mean anything. I was so offended by her I left, went to my room, and began typing in journal. Halfway through my typing however my friend Anna and associate Alex came in. They said she wanted to see me. I asked what and got talked down to for not “addressing her properly” she told me I should say yes as I liked her. She came and reiterated her ignorant ideas about how I’m technically a girl and that she’ll never be able to call me he. She had the nerve ask for an alternative to he or she. I told her she might as well call me she despite my hatred and uncomfortableness with the term because I could never get her to understand. I would never be able to make her get it. My voice quaked and as I walked away. As  I cried silent tears. A little later Ana came in asking me why I wasn’t outside at the main table where I usually for study hall. I told her that I was in my room because I had that right. I was very rude to her. I had tones of anger in my voice. She left and I finished typing and continued to listen to Pandora with tears rolling down my cheeks. Jan 17^th 7:08 2013

Songs that played :

Green Day good riddance

Seether Truth.

Lost in you three days grace.

To be loved : Papa Roach

Plain white T’s :Hey there Delighlah

Prayer of refuge : Rise Against

A monster

I am sad. I am sad because for a quick second I forgot. I completely forgot. And I actually got along with her and treated her like a friend. I can’t believe I did that. It’s so hard to see when someone’s that way. When someone is so full of hate. So full of prejudice. I had forgot that she was homophobic. Her name is Alex M. I won’t tell you her last name. Client confidentiality and all that. But Alex lives in the cottage with the other kids and I. That means I have to see this disgraces face every single day. Sorry let me start from the beginning. Last night I let Alex borrow my charger. Later that night I noticed the chips she was eating and said they were awesome. Alex then took her chips and ran away. Don’t worry this is not why I hate her. Ms.Clark then proceeded to call Alex back into the room and tell her how rude she was to not let me have one of her things when she consistently uses mine. I told her I was joking. She then tried to leave and Ms Clark called her back and continued to yell at her. It’s not because of the chips their just chips. But Alex always behaves this way. She’s always mean rude and has no respect for others. We fight constantly and the next morning the new girl in the cottage L. had an emotional breakdown about it. At first I thought she was absurd saying things to her like you could just leave! Or so what? But after thinking about throughout both 1rst and 2cd periods I realized I was wrong. We shouldn’t have to put her through all that. So when on the bus I told Ms. Clark and Alex that I would agree to stop fighting with Alex , ok so its more like I promised I’d try and Alex said she would in return. So then it was like we were friends again. It was like my breaking off our friendship because of her homophobia never even occurred. I even forgot. I forgot about that horrible part of her. That horrible peace that just wouldn’t stop echoing in my head when ever I saw her face. We walked down to After school drama together. Laughing talking being friends. But then I saw her computer background. It was a picture of judge Judy With a caption that stated “You’re a faggot case closed” Then I got sad. Not angry, not obsessed just, sad. I wish I could’ve been angry. I wish I could actually hate her like I say I do but, I just don’t. I don’t hate her because there are good sides to her. There is goodness in her, I wish she was some monster some evil faceless being. I wish she was so I could hate her. But I can’t. I can’t because I know she’s human to. I can’t because I know how kind she can be. I wish she was a monster. I really do.

-January 15^th 3:39

the cottage

Last Friday my mother attempted to pick me up from the cottage(my residence at boarding school) but she was unable to because the cottage I had walked down to with alex(a “frenemy” as she puts it) was locked. My friend Ana was also there. She asked If Ms. Perry was anything like Ms clark. She had asked because Ms.Perry had only started a week ago and Ana hadn’t the opportunity to meet her yet. She kept asking that same question. I told her Ms.Clark had a completely different personality than Ms.Perry. She said that was not what she was talking about and her asking of the question perused. I told her Ms.Clark acted nothing like Ms.Perry but she said that was also not was she asking about and continued with the annoyance. Then Ms.Perry drove up in her car  with Lindsey (another girl to live in the cottege) so I assume her question was answered. We had been waiting for 30 minuets . Ms. Perry is one of two staff at the cottege. She is  astoundingly beautiful. She frequently changes the style of her currently black hair, she has dark skin, brown eyes, and the prettiest face. She is frequently accompanied by Ms. Clark who is the kindest soul you will ever meet in your life. When I say kind I mean magnificently kind. She is so kind you would swear she’s a stereo typed nice Pearson. I know that’s not the best description but it’s all I could come up with. Anyone not to meet Ms. Clark has missed out on meeting one of the most amazing people to ever live.Ms. Clark has black hair usually pulled back in a ponytail, Dark skin, Brown eyes and dots on her face. Please don’t tell her I said that. Then My mother and I gathered my things and went to the car after her incredibly long conversation with Ms.Perry. The next day my family,(My Brother, My sister, and Myself )and Mark packed up the car with our suitcases and headed to Alabama for My Grandfather’s 80^th Birthday cellebraiton. I put my belonging’s up in my mother’s old bedroom. I put my things on the bed next to the window, furthest from the door which upset my sister. That night we all dressed in nice attire and went to dinner. I rode with my grandparents and sister. My grandparent’s had reserved a private room. This was to my surprise given that they aren’t the most well off financially. On the way into the room I passed a wine cabinet that had a strong scent to it. My grandmother told the kids (including my 21 year old brother) To sit at the end of the table while the adults were to sit at the front. I would use “left” and “right” to describe where we were sitting however I do not know how to differentiate these directions. Pathetic I know. Dinner took place at a seafood restraint which made it difficult for me to order because I am a vegetarian who does not partake in the eating of fish, and almost all the alternatives to fish were meat. Never the less I ordered something. The were ties of inappropriate conversation at dinner between my brother and dreaded cousin jack. jack and Jordan joked about several things such as jack’s penis size, sexual acts, and so on and so forth. Don’t get me wrong this form of conversation is fine but not at such a fine establishment even if we are Isolated from of the rest of the restaurant. That night I went to sleep in my mother’s bedroom accompanied by my brother who was sleeping in an identical twin bed across from me. The next morning my mother’s and my family all ate brunch in my grandmother’s house. I had helped with the set up. Once brunch was over my cousins and their parent’s left quickly followed by us.

We were in the car for another seven hours with my brother, my sister and I practically squished in the back seat. That day I didn’t do much beyond watch Lets Read HomeStuck (an amazing web series on Youtube) and lot’s of merlin. Until around seven where I practically begged my mom to take me back to the Cottage kept saying she would but it wasn’t till about 9’ that she actually did.  Before she did however My sister turned up the volume on the Tv. I had been having a migraine (from not taking my medicine) all night and asked her to turn it down. She bitterly refused. I grabbed the remote and turned down the volume. She began to yell  and demand for me to return the clicker to her. I refused. She started forcefully grabbing at the clicker clawing at me. I put my foot on her stomach in an attempt to push her off of me. She started punching at me, clawing at my face and hair giving me marks. I managed to push her off of me giving her the clicker. This upset me she sad down quietly watching TV. Her focus didn’t seem to move from the screen so I saw my chance. I got up pinned her to her seat and started punching what I believed to be her stomach. I didn’t do it as hard as I would have liked to because I didn’t wish to bruise her, just teach her a lesson. I thought she had enough so I let her go. She ran up to her my mother’s room crying. She remained up their complaining to my mom about how I hurt her. I told my mom it was self defense and she apologized for ashley. I’ve seemed to have lost respect for my sister. We used to fight like that frequently but then my sister started new medication and the fighting ceased. In the car my mom apologized again. I told her it was ok and that I would just pretend that it never happened. But she said that I shouldn’t have to go through that. I said it was ok and despite not knowing any martial arts I still knew from our past fights how to defend myself. In the car 3 songs played. Dimonds by Riana, Some song about a guy who wished  his lips could build a castle or that they could fall off, and Numb on a now 41 cd. The same songs seemed to repeat that night almost as if the universe was trying to send me a message despite that being impossible. No one but Nately(the last girl to live there) was at the cottege but the lights were on and the door unlocked. So my mom and I put my stuff in my room and we said goodbye. Then I sat down to write in my electronic journal. I typed the words “Last Friday” and typed till about 9:42 till I finally stopped typing-Sunday Januarry 13^th 9: 42

january 1rst 2013

 Ok so I’ve kept a journal before this one though it wasn’t fantastic. It wasn’t well written is what I’m trying to say .But I am going to attempt to be a better writer for this journal. Though first you should probably familerate yourself with me. I am Jake. I am a 15 year old ftm(female to male [girl wants to be boy])transgender teenager. I am Caucasian and 1/16^th chareki Indian. I have light(olive as my mother tells me) skin and have brown eyes with brown short hair. I appear to have a flat chest but this is because I have altered my appearance with a chest binder. That of which I also suspect to be giving me pains though I have not alerted any family of this.

Recently My family and I went on vacation. It was my mother, my sister, My mothers boyfriend and I. We went to my mothers boyfriend’s beach house in Florida. Florida is a nice change of senarey because of it’s hot whether which is a nice change from the whether in my usual location which is Georgia. It’s also winter but again considering how cold it is in Georgia Florida weather by comparison is warm even in the chily season. The trip began with a 6 hour long car ride. My sister was in her stuburn mood as usual. My sister is Caucasian with brown hair, blue eyes and dots of acne on her face though it’s not plenty full and no where near the amount of acne  I have on my face. She is 11 though extremely immature for age and I would consider her mental age to be 9 years old. She has anger management issues and frequently cries but not in front of me. She has even pulled a knife on me but that’s all in the past. My sister doesn’t treat me well. In fact I would go so far as to say doesn’t treat anyone well. The only Pearson she has ever listened to I believe to be my father who has now passed.